Couple of 17 Years Speaks About Choice Not to Have Kids After Backlash (Exclusive)

Vanessa and Xander Marin have been helping other couples nurture intimacy and connection in long-term relationships for over a decade.

Vanessa, a licensed psychotherapist with 20 years of experience in sex therapy, brings deep insight into emotional and sexual wellness, while Xander offers the perspective of a devoted partner and co-creative. 

Together, they’ve built a social media presence grounded in honesty, humor, and real-life tools for sustaining love. 

Recently, the couple opened up about their decision not to have children – a choice made over time with intention, reflection, and mutual understanding. 

In sharing their journey through grief, acceptance, and, ultimately, peace, they hope to create space for others to embrace their own paths without shame or regret.

Vanessa, 41, and Xander, 39, met in their early 20s. As their relationship became more serious, they naturally began discussing what their future together might hold, including thoughtful conversations about the possibility of having children.

Even in their wedding vows, the couple playfully joked about how many children they might have, reflecting the shared assumption that parenthood was the natural next step in their journey together.

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“We went into marriage, thinking we’re going to have kids,” Vanessa tells PEOPLE exclusively. However, as fresh newlyweds, they decided to enjoy their first few years together and let time pave the way.  

“So as we started getting closer to our 30s, I think we both sort of had it in our heads that that was like the right time…we started having more serious conversations with each other,” she continues. “And basically, it was just asking, like, ‘Hey, are you feeling ready yet?’ And the conversation kept winding up with us, saying, ‘No, I don’t really feel ready yet.’ ” 

As more time passed, they reached a stage in life when having children felt expected, and the conversations between them began to shift. 

“This was the point where it started to feel scary, to be totally honest with you, and a little bit painful because we allowed ourselves to consider, for the very first time, what it would look like to not have kids,” Vanessa reveals. 

After years of assuming parenthood was inevitable, even imagining an alternative felt overwhelming and deeply emotional.

Nevertheless, Xander remembers feeling fortunate that they had several close friends who began having kids a bit earlier than they had planned for themselves. As those friends entered parenthood, they opened up honestly about how dramatically their relationships had changed. 

“We had a couple of friends that were really, really brutally honest with us in a way that I think is really rare,” Xander says. 

“It was very much like: ‘I wish that we hadn’t just made the societal assumption that okay, we’re married, we have careers, we’re in our mid-20s, approaching 30 – this is what we do now.’ ”

Many couples admitted they wished they’d had more conversations beforehand – about timing, expectations, and whether they were truly ready for children. 

A few even confided that, if given the chance, they might have waited longer or made different choices altogether. Hearing those unfiltered reflections had a lasting impact on Vanessa and Xander. 

“So ultimately, what we ended up centering ourselves around was the question: Do we actively want to have a child? Not, ‘do we think we’re supposed to? Not, ‘is this the right time? Not, ‘do we think we’ll regret it if we don’t?” she explains.  

Vanessa often found herself thinking about conversations she would have with their future child, which put things into perspective.

“I would want to be able to look at that child and say, ‘Your mom and dad wanted you so badly. We were so desperate to bring you into the world,’” she shares. “And when we asked ourselves that question and got really honest with each other. The answer was no. We didn’t feel that active desire to have a child, and so we kicked the can down the road for a few more years.”

It wasn’t until last year that they made a final, clear decision – at 38, Xander had a vasectomy. It marked the end of a nearly 13-year journey of questioning, reflecting, and slowly coming to peace with a child-free life.

Sharing their decision with family turned out to be easier than they had expected, largely because they had been open about their evolving thoughts on having children throughout the years with both parents and siblings.

Xander believes that the way they approached the conversation – with openness and gradual honesty over several years – made a big difference. Instead of a sudden announcement, they shared their evolving thoughts along the way, which gave their family time to adjust. 

“We got really lucky in that regard that both sets of parents were very accepting and understanding,” Vanessa says. “I think it did help that we both have siblings. So we’re not like the one and only chance, but they both expressed sadness, but in a really respectful way.” 

Sharing their decision on social media was a different challenge altogether, met with a wave of responses that ranged from deeply supportive to harshly judgmental and misinformed.

“There’s a ton of judgment against couples that decide not to have kids. We hear things like ‘that’s very selfish of you,’ which is so hard to understand,” Vanessa says. 

“I’m like, wouldn’t it be more selfish to be bringing a kid into this world that I don’t really want? Or to bring a kid into this world because I want someone to take care of me when I get older? Or I want someone to pass along my legacy?” she questions.

Some of the most hurtful comments come from people claiming that Xander secretly wants children, suggesting he’s just pretending to be on board and will eventually leave to start a family with a younger woman.

“There’s a lot of ‘oh, I can see it in his eyes, because no man doesn’t want kids,’” Xander says. “I’m like, Okay, well, this man doesn’t.”

Some people even use Vanessa and Xander’s decision not to have children to discredit their relationship advice online, claiming they couldn’t possibly understand the challenges of parenting. 

But the couple pushes back on that idea, reminding others that being a parent doesn’t exempt anyone from needing to nurture their relationship or maintain intimacy.

When it comes to comments about regret, Vanessa says she and Xander have already grieved the idea of having children and have come to terms with what the decision means for them. 

“The possibility that I might feel some regret at some point later in my life is not a good enough reason to make a decision right now – in the here and now,” she says. 

“If we did decide to have kids, we might regret that, too. So it’s not that one decision has regret, and one decision has no regret,” she adds. “Like either path we go, there’s the possibility that we could feel regret.”

Vanessa believes that every life decision comes with a trade-off. Every yes means saying no to something else. For her and Xander, choosing not to have children meant grieving the path they wouldn’t take. 

Instead of denying that grief or pretending to be completely certain, they gave themselves space to feel it and honor what they were letting go of.

“I know that we would be amazing parents. I know we would have a really cool kid or kids. I know that we would love that kid to death, you know, and have such an incredible family,” she emphasizes. 

“I know that there’s like there’s grief in not being able to see Xander as a dad, not being able to see myself as a mom like, there’s so much grief that goes along with it. And that doesn’t mean that this is the wrong decision, that we should actually have kids.”

They recognize the two different paths they could have taken, without needing to erase or diminish the one they chose.

“I think that that’s been a big piece of why we decided not to have kids, too. We felt so content and happy with the way that our life looked like it didn’t feel like there was anything missing,” Vanessa says. “We’ve always felt like a family, just the two of us.”

Not having children has brought several unexpected benefits to their relationship – more time, energy, freedom, and financial flexibility. 

It’s allowed Vanessa and Xander to travel, explore personal goals, and invest deeply in their relationship.  

It’s also had a major impact on their business, with fewer day-to-day demands, they’ve been able to pour their energy into creating content and tools that support other couples in long-term relationships. 

“It’s so important to have some kind of purpose in your life, and I know that having kids can be a major way to have purpose in your life, but it doesn’t mean that that’s the only way,” Xander says.

The couple is about to become first-time aunt and uncle – a role they’re genuinely excited for. They often push back against the common misconception that those who choose not to have children dislike kids.

“Another judgment that we get, people always say: ‘Oh, you hate kids.’ We actually love kids – I absolutely love kids,” Vanessa admits. “I’ve spent so much of my life being a babysitter and a camp counselor and a tutor… I am so excited to be an aunt.”

Vanessa and Xander recognize that everyone’s life is unique, and they hold no judgment on whether people choose to have children or not. Their main message is to encourage couples to actively consider the decision instead of following the norm. 

“I’m not interested in being part of a battle here,” Vanessa tells PEOPLE. “I fully respect everybody’s right to choose what feels right in their own life to make their own decisions.”