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Billie Lourd paid tribute to her late mother, Star Wars icon Carrie Fisher, on what would have been her 69th birthday.
“My mom would’ve been 69 years old today. Which still feels shockingly young because this is the 9th birthday of hers I’ve ‘celebrated’ without her,” Lourd, 33, wrote in a heartfelt Instagram post on Tuesday, Oct. 21.
The post featured a black and white photo of Lourd, her mother, who died on Dec. 27, 2016 and her grandmother, Hollywood legend Debbie Reynolds, who died two days later at 84.
“It feels like she has been dead so long that she should be 100 at this point? It feels more okay for a 100 year old person to be dead? But not a 69 year old,” Lourd continued about Fisher. “Every time I meet someone older than her I’m secretly jealous. Why couldn’t she have lived as long as they have? Anyone out there who has lost a loved one too young can maybe relate? So I can’t really call it a wholly happy birthday cause she isn’t here to enjoy the happy.
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Scream Queens and American Horror Story actress Lourd, who shares son Kingston, 4, and daughter Jackson, 2, with husband Austin Rydell, noted that her mother “never got to meet her grandchildren and see them grow into the magical smart hilarious kind creatures they are today.”
“The other night my son asked me how she died – I told him that she didn’t take care of her body – telling him the truth without telling him the whole truth. ‘Oh but I take care of my body!’ Yes I replied, ‘Yes you do! And I do too and daddy does too!’” Lourd continued in the post.
Fisher went into cardiac arrest on a flight from London to Los Angeles on Dec. 23, 2016 and was hospitalized in California before dying four days later. The L.A. County coroner concluded she died from sleep apnea and other contributing factors like fatty buildup in her arteries.
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A toxicology report also revealed that she had cocaine, methadone, ethanol and opiates in her system when she died, though it was unclear if the drug use contributed to her cause of death, PEOPLE previously reported.
“Death isn’t looming at our doorsteps the way it always was for her,” continued Lourd in her post. “That’s a conversation for later years. He didn’t push me for more answers so we left it at that. But it broke my heart.”
The conversation also stirred up other emotions: “[It] made me mad at her. It’s weird being mad at a dead person because you don’t really have anywhere to put the emotion. But it’s still there and I’ve had to learn to allow myself to feel all the things – mad at her for not getting sober but also sad for her that she wasn’t able to get sober but also happy that she existed at all,” Lourd continued about Fisher, who struggled with substance abuse.
“So I allowed myself to be mad for a moment but then realized I also do want her birthday to have some happy in it. Especially for my kids. She was a brilliant magical human and I want them to know that,” she added.
“So despite the many emotions I have on these days I try to celebrate the good parts. I’ll tell my kids funny stories about her, watch one of her movies, eat one of her favorite foods, have a Coke with a s— ton of ice,” Lourd wrote. “Grief is a weird soup of feelings and there are a lot of ingredients in it that are hard to swallow, but ultimately I think the soup has made me healthier – more cognizant of how short life is and more appreciative of all the happy in my life.”
Lourd concluded her sentiments in the comments section of her own post (“cause I talk too much”).
“And for that I am grateful – or griefull if you will. Sending my love to anyone out there having to eat the multifaceted soup that is grief. It’s not always the tastiest but it might make you a stronger healthier human? Happy birthday momby. I miss you and love you more than you could ever know. ❤️”
