NEED TO KNOW
Shawn Johnson East is opening up about not being able to open up.
In a PEOPLE exclusive sneak peek of the Thursday, Nov. 6 episode of Special Forces: World’s Toughest Test, the Olympic gymnast comes to terms with why she is slow to show emotion.
“My entire career was fear-based,” Johnson East, 33, says in the episode to the DS (Directing Staff). “I had a lot of people very high up telling me that I was worthless and not wanting to see me succeed in gymnastics, who controlled my fate and if I showed emotion I was cut.”
The mother of three continues, “The only emotion you could ever show was a smile, but if you did that while lined up you were no longer on the National team.”
As the retired gymnast explains, “being able to shut off all emotion” was something that she became accustomed to — but it is seemingly problematic for competing in the grueling training exercises. Johnson East’s husband, Andrew East, is also in this season’s cast.
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In addition, being “obsessed with perfection” led the four-time Olympic medalist to question whether she would excel given the show’s tough tasks.
“I think that was part of the reason why I was scared going into this, [I] was like what would that bring out in me?” she says.
Having such focus often resulted in depression and obsessive behavior such as past eating disorders, she adds.
“I lost my identity for a long time,” she confides.
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Earlier this month, the mother and podcaster found time to take a break from it all.
On Thursday, Oct. 16, she shared several photos on her Instagram Stories as her family of five traveled to Orlando for vacation — with Andrew flying them to their destination.
Special Forces: World’s Toughest Test airs Thursdays at 9 p.m. ET on Fox.
